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Sunday, April 15, 2012

4:10 am, Wed.

     I woke up with words stirring deep in my spirit. I opened my eyes. I was foggy and the words weren't clear yet, but I God was speaking to me.
     I sat up and swung my legs over the side of the bed to concentrate.
     "I am your Redeemer. I transform hearts and breath new life." I felt for the stool, stepped to the floor and walked to the bathroom repeating them. "I am your Redeemer. I transform hearts and breath new life."
     Still sleepy, I sat on the side of the bed for another moment before sliding back in. I hoped I would fall back to sleep. But God's sweet words were still going through me and sleep did not come.
     As I sat back up, lifted my Iphone off the bedside table and walked toward the stairs, I heard Paul.
     "You okay, honey."
     "I'm fine." I said, "I'll be right back."
     Sitting in the dark on a kitchen stool I opened Twitter and tapped status. "I am your redeemer. I transform hearts and breath new life." It was 4:37 am.
     I had a long day in front of me. Now that I'd planted God's words forever in cyberspace, maybe sleep would come.
     I found Paul standing at the bedroom window. "Did you see this moon?" He asked. The light coming in lit up his face.
     "No." Still holding my Iphone, I stood beside Paul and looked. Clouds were moving across it and shifting its size and light around. It reminded me of  the lava lamp I had as a girl and I knew I wouldn't be going back to sleep. God had given me a moon as well as words and I sat with them both until the light came.


     A few hours later my daughter joined me in the kitchen. A regular conversation soon turned very serious. Her eyes filled with tears. "You left me alone a lot, Mom. I was alone a lot." I heard real pain in her voice and knew that she had said similar words before, but never like this.
     The last thing a mother wants to hear is how her child got wounded by decisions she made. There was offense in my response. "You just need to forgive me. You weren't alone. You were at the ski lodge with us, you were at home with your brother and sister, we did the best we could."
     She stood up and started to leave the room.  I called out, "Really? You're walking away? I ask you to forgive me and you're walking away?"
     In the same moment I spoke those words God turned me inside out and showed me my heart. My words had not come from a place of true repentance. I had not asked for her forgiveness, I had justified my own actions. My heart was not pure.
    I hurried down the hall after her. I wanted a second chance. I wanted to do it better.
    She told me to leave her alone.
    I went back to the kitchen and began to weep. My cry turned deep and long and loud. I couldn't stop it.
     God had placed in me Chandler's lonely heart. I knew what she had felt and I was grieving.
     When I felt her hand on my shoulder I turned and hugged her tighter than I had in my entire life. "I'm sorry," I said, wailing with the words, "I'm so sorry that you were alone."
     She let me hug her for a long time, and when I let her go we separated silently.
     I went upstairs trying to regain control. I couldn't remember the last time I had cried like that, but suddenly, the words God spoke to me at 4:10 that morning took on new meaning. He knew this was coming, and His promises were for Chandler too. "I am your redeemer. I transform hearts and breath new life."
     I began to to weep all over again.
     It was an hour before the tears stopped completely, but by the time I got in the car to head for a long afternoon with the kids, I felt peace.
     God used my tears to wash my spirit clean and with His words imprinted deep inside me, I walked into work with a lighter step.

     I believed that the hardest part of my day was done, but there was more.  I am blessed to have co-workers who are also believers and I genuinely love them. Our job is to walk side by side to guide and teach little ones, but God also knitted our hearts together for his purpose. We walk out real life together. We talk about the tough stuff and give praise for the blessings. We know each other well. We laugh, we cry, and we pray!
     One of these beautiful woman has heartbreaking struggles with her son. I had heartbreaking struggles with mine. It was late in the afternoon that we both became part of a tough moment in her son's life.
    God's grace came, and after all was said and done, God reminded me of his words and I send them via text to my friend because I knew they were hers too. "I am your redeemer. I transform hearts and breath new life."
    God held five hearts in his hands today with the promise of those words and I for one will never stop praising God for giving them to me.