Right onto the pages of Robinson Crusoe...

     Today was full of surprises. Seriously. One after another.
     Truth is, I'm getting pretty comfortable with my, "Jesus adventures," so when he says, "Let's go." I go.
     And so I put on trail blazin' shoes.
     This week was hard, (this season has been hard), and tomorrow marks a week since my friends husband died.
    It was fast and tragic and I'm still reeling.
     Life is hard.
     But today...I knew deeply God's love. I felt it.

     "Keep out" signs don't always keep me out, but they did today. I promised my husband and Mother I'd be careful, so remembering my Rock Creek adventure, I sent Paul a text to let him know where I was going.
     And today, I got blessed. And I got a little taste of what it might be like to be a real adventurer.
     And I loved it...
  
     So thank you for, Lord.  Thank you for being beside me in all the really hard places. I see you. I know your love.

What a mess!

Why are you sitting here like this? How did you get to be such a mess.  What is wrong, child? 

I look up. Really? This is how you're going to start our conversation?

How else would you expect me to start it?

I look at him and then look down. I could use a hug.

So he gives me one.

And I'd like it if you'd just sit with me for a while and hold my hand. I love it when you hold my hand.

So He does.

Now. He finally says. I'll ask you again.  Why do you sit here like this?

I let out a long hard sigh. I'm just so weary.  I tell him. I have no "good fight" left in me.  I'm really discouraged. It is just too hard.

Okay. If that's really how you feel, then now what? You gonna sit here underneath all this hard stuff and... wallow? Just roll around in these shadows some more until you get really covered with them and they get really heavy? Think that's the answer? 

I ponder this.

If that's the case, you might as well just open up the door and let him in now.
  
I give God a hard look.

He's right outside. He points. Prowling around, struttin' his stuff. Roaring. He thinks you're lookin' pretty good right now too. You're kinda right where he wants you. He can't wait to get in here.

But I belong to you, I say with just a hint of sarcasm.  You never leave me and Jesus already saved me.

All of that is also true. But that Lion... God points right outside the door. He gets to try. That's just the way it is. And you are ripe for picking now. He pulls me close and whispers.  But when you walk in my joy. My joy that is your strength, his goal, (to steal and destroy and lie),  becomes much harder to do so he just moves on. When your heart is full of praise and you are full of Faith most times, he'll just walk on by. He pauses, but days like this...well...He nods his head toward the door, he waits.

I grip His hand a little tighter.

He pats it. I'll sit  here with you for a little while longer, but then I'm going to step away because you know the truth. You know it is in my strength that you will get to your feet and leave this dreary place. It is in my power that you will walk right past that roaring lion and sing my Praise.

I take a long slow breath.

You know what I have told you and you must remember the things I've shown you. You can fight the good fight. You will. He lets go of my hand and stands.
Put on my armor before you open this door, and when you're ready, plant your feet firmly on the solid rock of my truth and step out in Faith full of my word.
You are my Beloved! Now stand up. Put some Praise on your lips! I know you can.

He smiles and opens the door. There is great adventure ahead for you precious daughter. And don't you ever doubt that again! He blows me a kiss as he walks away and I watch from the window as the lion bows at his feet.

I put my hand on the door knob and take another deep breath. The joy of the Lord is my strength. I say it again. Louder. The joy of the Lord is my strength and I open the door .  I can do all things through Christ Jesus. The lion hears me and looks up. I take a step. So does the lion.  I can do all things through Christ Jesus!

And when I pass him...

I am singing worship and I smile and pat his head.

Big deep breath...and now...

     Now...I will preach to myself...

     

     God deserves praise! Praise him for your life. He is bigger and greater than insurance companies, lawsuits, broken bones, surgeries, and car crashes. 
      You walked for an hour and a half yesterday. Your foot is almost healed. Have you forgotten the amazing things God put right in your path just yesterday? You had surgery just 10 days ago and look how good you feel. And have you forgotten what God did when Chandler needed surgery in Colorado? Sure, it was hard. It was a battle. But God equipped Paul for it, did he not?

     Yes, but it was a long and really hard and we got beat up pretty bad.
     But you survived and you are stronger. Your faith grew and you planted a memorial stone. It is part of your testimony now. Aren't you the one who always talks about trials being the most powerful parts of the story God has written of your life. Aren't you the one always telling people to go back and sit on their memorial stones? To remember. To remind yourself what God has done. 

     So what if you don't want to fight with insurance companies again? So what if you don't get a new car? For whatever reason this is where you are. Do you believe that God is here with you? Do you believe he has gone before you in the things you worry about? 

     He took the Israelite's on a 40 year trek through the desert with only one pair of shoes and fed them manna from heaven, remember? Your situation is nothing for God. So stop grumbling already and walk in faith. If it doesn't work the way you think it should does that mean that God has abandoned you or doesn't care about you? No!
    God is always worthy of your trust and your praise. Always! Who are you anyway but a sinner saved by His grace. You are a truly and greatly loved daughter of the King!
     And so...about those things in the corners of your heart that God is gently sweeping out and exposing. They're not very pretty are they? Consider that this test of faith might be just about your own refinement.
      

    And so I breathe deep again... 

     Give me the strength Lord to surrender those places in my heart, and then pour out your grace and patience so I can walk the rest of this season out with integrity and honor.
And may it increase my faith, build my testimony, be used for my good and bring you glory!! Amen?
     

     I can hear you shouting back... Amen!

The very first Princess...

     Once upon a time, (almost 40 years ago to be exact) the first tiny princess was born into the kingdom of a great and royal family. As the queen held the tiny girl in her arms for the first time, her heart exploded with a new kindasaaaaaaaaaa of love. The King and Queen had never seen such a thing as this. Such a tiny beautiful miracle,  and they couldn't stop looking at her. Often, they sat side by side just staring with tears in wonder.  

     Everyone in the kingdom came to see this beautiful child because she was the first, and each day, her dark eyes twinkled of things the Queen could not know, and she would rock the princess and sing to her and ponder the great and mysterious secrets within those big dark eyes.   

      Soon, the tiny girl began to grow and became a force to be reckoned with. She was dramatic and precocious and now demanded the crown her Father had showed her and told her would be hers one day. 

     And so...the crown was much too big, but she wore it proudly, although it would be many years before she understood it's true significance.

     But she, after all, was the very first Princess and the crown belonged to her. So she put it on her head and embraced her very special place inside the kingdom.    

     The Queen often found her entertaining the court to their grand delight. She put on shows, assigned roles for her plays, and often sounded very bossy. She was, however,  a great light and great joy to all who knew her.

     Years passed, and the princess soon grew into a beauty. Articulate, strong, opinionated and smart, she decided she was ready to trade the Castle in for the world. So the day that the Princess rode in on the back of a big white horse holding tight to a handsome Prince, the King and Queen knew they had to let her go. 

     Then one cloudy day a few years later, the Queen stood looking out her bedroom window and saw the Prince approaching on his big white horse. When he got closer, she saw her princess behind him holding tight with a bundle in her arms. The Queen cried out to the King and they both ran down the stairs to greet them. 

     The Queen held out her arms with tears in her eyes as the Princess climbed down from the horse and handed her the baby. "We have a son." The Princess said.

     Blood vessels burst inside the Queen's with a whole new kind of love as she took the baby into her arms and breathed in the tiny Prince. The Princess had tears in her eyes now too. "We coming back to the kingdom Mama. Were coming home."

     And in the blink of an eye, the Castle was filled with little Princes. Three of them ran around fighting dragons, climbing trees, and throwing rocks. They played in dirt and left a trail of footprints and fingerprints everywhere they went. They wrestled, snuggled, laughed and cried. They learned every fact about dinosaurs, told the best stories on earth, and everyone...everyone...in the Castle and the court were in love with them.  

     The crowns the King gave the 3 little Prince's were too big too, but they wore them on their heads and pranced around just like the Princess had, because they were Princes after all, and the crowns did belonged to them.

     This time though, instead of correcting the boys as they had with the Princess,  the King and Queen just watched and smiled as the Prince and Princess gathered up the the 3 wild boys and took them to bed. 

  Because the truth of life was simple. The King and Queen knew who the real giver of crowns was, and they knew of His love and His sufficient grace. 

     And so...on a sunny day the next week, the King and Queen set aside their Kingdom duties as the King loaded their little Princes into the Kingdom Carriage to head out for a day of Kingdom adventure. 

     The Princes are rowdy and fighting over their too big crowns as the King leans down to grab the hand of His Queen. "We are Blessed," he yells over the noise as he pulls her up beside him. She smiles as she settles in and shouts back.  "Yes," the Queen says, eyes full of love, wisdom and tears..."That my King...we are!"  

Regret...Who owns it? You get to choose.

   The thoughts come after. After the action...or the words...or the lie. My inside-the-head justification conversations.
     

     "Yeah, well...the truth would have hurt them much worse. Should I have told them that I was out of grace and the idea of a whole evening with someone as challenging as they are is...well...just not how I choose to spend my time tonight. I've had a long hard day and I don't want to be with you."
     "I know I am not honoring him but I really don't care. After yesterday, if he wants that done he can do it himself.  It's a ridiculous chore anyway and I have important things to do."
     "Sometimes people just need to hear the truth and need to hear it with a loud voice.  I'm so over their hypocrisy. It makes me sick. It was time. It was soo time. Someone needed to call them out and today, I decided the time had come and it would be me."
    

     The next voice I hear cradles and cuts simultaneously. 

    "So you lied and let them down?  So what?  You're right, the truth would have been much worse. Remember what happened last week? Why put yourself through that again? You've done more than your share of that relationship." I feel a pat on the back. "I think you should do whatever you want tonight. Pamper yourself. You do so much for other people. You deserve it."

     "Good choice about not doin' that chore, sister!" I get a high five. That'll show him." A nudge to my shoulder. "You go girl.  He should appreciate how great you are. How good he has it. You're a saint." 

     "You were so right-on tonight when you called them out! They deserved everything you said to them. Bravo! Someone had to set them straight. How dare they pretend to be one thing in church and something very different in real life?" I hear a chuckle. "The truth will set them free, right?" another nudge.

  

     The last voice breaths a salve of "Truth" and it stings. 

     "The evening you said 'No' to tonight, I ordained. You have missed my good purpose and plan. You say you are out of grace. I say, even as you deserve nothing, I sent my son to die for you out of the greatest love and His grace never ends." This settled over me. "And do I need to remind you how I grieve over your lie? Imagine instead, setting down your pride long enough to be blessed in a valuable friendship that I orchestrated for just those hours. Do you remember how challenging you can be?"

     I did remember. 

     "You know what I am going to say about this. I know you do. Obey him. I have set order in marriage for a reason. Do what he asks out of obedience. Honor him and watch him rise up in the desire to lead you well. You are not a saint, and I called you to be his Helpmate."

     "Know that you're righteousness is ugly in my sight. You are not the judge. Have you ever been a hypocrite? Do you think being right gives you the right to something?  No. You are a sinner. Stand on the line. Will you throw the first stone? Will you?"  

     There is a knock at the door. I open it, ready for anything besides conviction. 

     I find "Shame" on the threshold and he enters my house. He comes in power of the second voice and fills up the room. I cower under his heavy oppression and close my eyes. 

     When I open them, God's light floods and Shame flees.

     The only voice left is Truth. Life. It is the Breath of Creation and the greatest of Love. "You are my Beloved and I am your Redeemer. I transform hearts and breath new life. Get up and walk. Go...hold your head high. The joy of the Lord is your strength. You are chosen, called, adopted,  and perfectly made.   Go...and sin no more."   

     

         

A day like no other...

     The enemy had my shoulders squared and a pin to the mat was coming. Weak and beaten I had no fight left. I was almost ready to surrender. 

     And yet, in my spirit where the truth lived, I called. 

     I called. 

     God heard, he answered, and the enemy fled. 

     

     In the moments that followed I knew that nothing in my circumstances had changed and yet everything...had changed.

     Everything had changed.

     

Tests of faith? No thank you! But wait...

     I cry out, "No! Enough already. They can not handle any more.
     My hands turns into fighting fists and I can not stop crying.
     Not their baby, Lord! Please, I beg you!
And I feel the darkness smile. It hovers close. I can almost touch it and I know it's coming to steal any breath of hope that might still linger inside this nightmare of heartbreak.
     Not another brother, Lord! NO! He's lost too many already. He wont survive this! I wont! We cant do it...and I fall to the floor in a heap.
     Then God comes. He brings light and the darkness flees.
     Fists unfurl and truth dries tears as God bends down and holds together the broken heart with his own hands and stays like that for as long as it takes.
     And he picks up the pieces of shattered life and fulfills promises over it with his breath. 

     It is by His power we survive the things that without Him would kill us. By His power. Thank you Lord.  You make us  new with your love.