Behemoth and Leviathan... Excerpt from the Glory Road"

       In Job chapter 40, God reminds Job of his power over a creature He calls Behemoth.  I was so fascinated by this that I dug a little deeper.  After reading several commentaries on the subject of this creature, I was even more intrigued.         Some believe God was referring to what we now know as a hippo or elephant.  However, as I read God’s description carefully, I found that neither of these animals fit God’s description and so the mystery began. 

     I think God’s description sounds more like a dinosaur than anything else. Here’s another fact I found interesting.  The word, or term, “dinosaur” wasn’t invented until 200 years after the King James Bible was translated.  I think this could be significant. 

     Now in Job chapter 41 God speaks of nothing except a great creature He calls “Leviathan,” and God goes into very great details in describing it to Job.
     In Psalm 104, this mystery creature is spoken of again. 

     A whale?  A giant crocodile?  Some Bible scholars think so, but I want you to be the judge.  Here are the passages of God’s words to Job in a few different versions.

Job 41:18-22

     KJV   By his neesings a light doth shine, and his eyes are like the eyelids of the morning.  Out of his mouth go burning lamps, and sparks of fire leap out.  Out of his nostrils goeth smoke, as out of a seething pot or caldron.  His breath kindleth coals, and a flame goeth out of his mouth.

      NLT   “When it sneezes, it flashes light!  It’s eyes are like the red of dawn.  Lightning leaps from its mouth; flames of fire flash out.  Smoke streams from its nostrils like steam from a pot heated over burning rushes.  Its breath would kindle coals, for flames shoot from its mouth.

     NIV    “Its snorting throws out flashes of light; its eyes are like the rays of dawn.  Flames stream from its mouth; sparks of fire shoot out.  Smoke pours from its nostrils as from a boiling pot over burning reeds.  Its breath sets coals ablaze, and flames dart from its mouth.”

      ESV   “His sneezings flash forth light, and his eyes are like the eyelids of the dawn.  Out of his mouth go flaming torches; sparks of fire leap forth.  Out of his nostrils comes forth smoke, as from a boiling pot and burning rushes.  His breath kindles coals, and a flame comes forth from his mouth.”

Job 41:31-32

     KJV  “He maketh the deep to boil like a pot: he maketh the sea like a pot of ointment.  He maketh a path to shine after him; one would think the deep to be hoary.”

      NLT  “It makes the depths churn like a boiling caldron and stirs up the sea like a pot of ointment.  It leaves a glistening wake behind it; one would think the deep had white hair.

        NIV   “He makes the depths churn like a boiling caldron and stirs up the sea like a pot of  ointment.

 Behind him he leaves a glistening wake; one would think the deep had white hair.  

        ESV     “He makes the deep boil like a pot; he makes the sea like a pot of ointment.  Behind him he leaves a

shining wake; one would think the deep to be white-haired.”

     So what do you think?  Does this creature sound like a hippo or elephant to you?  
    Not me. I'd call it a powerful, glistening, fire breathing, dawn-eyed dragon.  

     Still not convinced?  
     Earlier, I asked you to write down the animals God mentioned by name to Job in these Scriptures.  God named twelve and all twelve are real animals that walk on the earth today.  Do you think it is significant that God also mentions by name the Behemoth and Leviathan?  It is certainly a mystery why they no longer exist on earth today, but the fact that God names them along with the others, and goes into great detail describing them is significant in my book.  It sure puts a damper on the idea of these creatures being mythical or metaphor.  Can we really believe they are anything other than what God says they are?

     As for me, I’’ll be looking for the glowing white wakes of the Leviathan in the oceans of heaven because I really, really, wanna see that guy.  I just love this stuff!

     

Let me take you somewhere...Excerpt from the, "Glory Road."

     Psalm 51:6 NIV and Jeremiah 1:5. These Scriptures tell us that our spirits knew God before He knitted us inside our Mothers womb? 

    So now, knowing this fascinating fact, I ask you to indulge me and let me take you somewhere.  My imagination often tries to fill in the blanks of the great stories told  in Scripture.  So come with me for a moment and imagine what it might have been like right before God breathed life into your human spirit. 

     Imagine Him placing you, a preciously loved and perfectly made child, at the beginning of a road.  It’s not at all familiar and it’s full of things you’ve never seen and don’t understand.  God tells you that it is the road leading through your life on earth and that it ends in eternity where you’ll be back with Him forever.  

     Then you watch, as your Father, the creator of all living things, sends someone down the road ahead of you in the greatest of love.  “This is my Son,” He tells you, “of whom I am well pleased.”  Matthew 3: 1 Mark 1:11, 2 Peter 1:17, Luke 3:22.  “His name is Jesus.”

    You watch as this Jesus clears your path and lights your way.  He gathers up everything dark and ugly and takes it upon his back.  The pain of this is unbearable, the terrible weight of it brings the Son to his knees before the Father.

     “But I love her,” the Father says as He helps the Son back to his feet.  “Go on to the cross now.  This child is worth it.” 

     So Jesus does what his Father tells him.  A bit further down the road you see him sit and break bread at a table with twelve He loves.  Luke 22:19, Just after that, you hear his cries to the Father from a garden, Luke 22:42, Mark 14:36, and then you see his hands get hammered into a board with nails.  His blood is shed.  Your Father cries.

     The Son cries out again to the Father from the cross, Mark 15:24 and then utters, “It is finished.” John 19:28-30 Jesus had taken his last breath.     

     “Go on now.”  Your Father says as He gives you a pat.  “I have chosen your family.  They are waiting.  Your life on earth is about to begin.”

     You place your foot onto the terribly stain road and notice it is full of dark and deep ruts.  “I don’t like this road, Daddy.”  You tell him.  “These stains are ugly and those ruts will swallow me.”

     “You must go down it.”  He tells you with love.  “It is simply the way it must be.  Know too that you will leave your own ugly stain behind on this road because you have become a daughter of Eve and it is your sin nature now.  Soon, a time will come and you will turn away from me.”

     “No Daddy! Please?  Don’t make me go. I want to stay here with you?”

     “You cannot. ”  He says firmly.  “You must walk in faith and trust me.  My Glory will be everywhere so if you look for me, you will see me.  When my Son Jesus died, He saved you from death and left with you a helper, the Holy Spirit, who I sent in His name.  It will teach you and help you remember the things I have said.  John 14:16-17, John 14:26.  Study my word and ask the Holy Spirit for revelation.  Do this, and all truth you know will return.  Then you will remember know my plans for you.  Jeremiah 29:11 These are the things that will lead you back to me.”

     As you take your first small step, your Father engraves your name into the palm of His hand.  Isaiah 49:16  “I know every hair on your head,” Matthew 10:30, Luke 12:7,  “and every sparrow that falls.”  Matthew 10:29  

“So you run along now.”

  You turn around for one last look and plead.  “I’m not ready?” 

     “You are ready, sweet child.  I know every breath you take and the exact number of your days. You’ll see me at the other end of this road.”  He points to something very far away.  “It is a glorious place called eternity.”

     As you turn away.  God knits you together inside your mother’s womb.  Psalm 139:13, where you will form and grow.  Then, your Father in heaven picks up the Book of Life and places it on a table shining with gold and emeralds.  He opens it to your special chapter and looks at the topography of the road you are now on.  He records every twist and turn, your every sin and every praise.  Rev. 3:5, Rev. 20:12, Rev. 21:27  Where He finds you on a mountaintop in communion with Him, he draws a heart.  Your every thought and word has been recorded, so with his palms open and laid upon the pages of your life, He sits, and closes his eyes. 

     A tear rolls down his face.

    It is then that the Son comes alongside him and places his hand on the Fathers shoulder.  “She will find her way back to us, Father.”  He tells him.

     The Father nods his head, “I know she will.”  He pats the hand of His Son and then wipes the tear from His cheek.  “But she gets lost for quite some time and the enemy’s strongholds against this little one are great.  Her life gets very dark.”  The Father pauses and another tear falls from his eye.  “I miss her so much while she’s away.”

     “It is because your love is so great, Father.”  The Son says.  Romans 8:38-39, Lamentations 3:22-23, Psalm 103:11-12

     “And she finds her way back because of your sacrifice and grace from the cross.”  Says the Father.  Ephesians 2:8, Romans 5:8, 1John 4:16

     “I only do what I see you do.”  Jesus adds.  John 5:19

     “Yes.”  The Father stands. “I know.”   

    He embraces the Son and closes the Book of Life.  Together they walk to the doorway.  The Father smiles.  “Now my Son, what are the Angels going to sing with me today?” Zephaniah 3:17

               

       

Every picture tells a story, dont it?

I hear the whispers...

The oldest living things on earth...

     Yesterday my husband and I hiked around the Ancient Bristlecone Forest and it blew my mind.  We stood among the oldest living things on earth. The oldest living things on earth.   As I contemplated why, in my 23 years I had never had the inkling to go before now, (it's only a two hour drive from my house) I knew that it was all about God's timing. I wouldn't have seen what stood in front of me 20 years ago, or even ten.  There truly is a purpose for every season under heaven, and this was mine for these ancient trees. 

     There was something amazing about standing at the foot of something 4000 years old as Paul and I celebrated the brand new life of our third grandson Gideon just two days before.  I love how God uses things like this to reveal himself and how he uses us in each other's lives because if not for some precious friends, I would have missed this entirely.  A few weeks ago, our friend David went to finish a job at the visitor center and his wife Lisa went along for the ride.  David is a  master woodworker and put in all the counter tops and cabinetry in the new building. The next day, when Lisa posted a picture of an ancient tree, I couldn't stop thinking about it and asked Paul if he would take me so we made a date. 

      The new forest visitor center was still running on the adrenaline of the re-grand opening from the day before, (the old visitor center burned down in a fire several years ago) and the woman who greeted us sang the praises of DK Wordworks and his artistic cabinetry. After asking a few questions about the trails and the timing of the hike, Paul and I headed off.  We were told that the 4 1/2 mile loop around the Methuselah trail usually took about 3 hours if you stopped to take pictures. I saw Paul look at his watch when she said this and make new calculations.  I knew what he was thinking. These people had never put anything like me into that mathematical photo taking equation before. 

     So picture this. Me, who can't even drive home from Mammoth without stopping to photograph something, on a very narrow trail full of roots and rocks among the oldest trees on earth. This was not a trail that you could walk along and casually take pictures. The trail required my full attention, so it was one or the other. The reflection of the afternoon light on these trees captivated me and had me turning in circles and stopping at every bend in the road.  Paul was recalculating the time it would take us to get to the end before the first quarter mile. 

     I think it was right about the one mile marker that my camera froze. I'm not kidding. My brand new Iphone wouldn't close or shoot another picture. I thought perhaps the forty-seven pictures in a row or the jostling from the trail had killed it. I couldn't close the app, or turn it off.  My words, "Are you kidding me?!" brought my husband from the forty feet in front of me back to my side.  He was sympathetic and patient. I think he even felt my pain as we hadn't even entered the oldest part of the forest where Methuselah lived.  After a few minutes of panic, it finally shut down so I zipped it into my jacket pocket and moved forward behind the footsteps of my husband. In the quiet that followed, God reminded me that this ancient forest was not about me and the pictures I was taking, but about His creation and glory. Once I settled there, I somehow knew my Iphone would come back on. It did.

     We arrived in the grove of 4000 year old trees about an hour later and as we sat among them we read the amazing story of their survival. I will share some of that with you now. 

      Bristlecone Pines grow very slowly because of limited resources and short growing season. Only a thin layer of tissue (a growth ring) is added to the truck branches and roots each year. A one inch thickness of growth may take a century to accomplish. It may take 300 years to reach a height of 50 feet and they keep their needles for 30 to 40 years. This lack of forest floor litter prevents the spread of fire. These trees have been sculpted by wind, ice and extreme exposure to the elements. Their contorted shapes seem to defy nature and the exposed dead wood of these ancient trees seems to have their own color palette.  Sunshine, wind and aging all have their effect. The polished surfaces are the result of wind and ice blasting the surface for thousands of years. They may be famous because of their age, because of their ability to record climate trends. Their sensitive nature gives scientists a record of the past. Climates, droughts, severe frost, fires,and volcanic eruptions can all be recorded in these ancient pieces of wood. 

The amazing Great Basin Bristlecone Pine will continue to thrive in this harsh environment. Dolomite, climate, and dense wood all play roles in its secrets to longevity, yet there are many mysteries to solve. These oldest trees survive in the most difficult situations.  Perhaps there is a lesson in this for all of us. A lesson as old as these ancient trees.

I love this stuff! 

   

      

Please pray for Dan Parkins!

This life of faith simply brings me to my knees. My soul cries out!
Please read about the Parkins family journey and join me in intercessory prayer. Their trials go beyond any human understanding, but Dan's story is the most beautiful testimony of God being glorified through trials that I have ever seen. Go onto his blog and read it in his own words. You don't want to miss out on what God is doing in this place. You really dont!

http://danielparkins.wordpress.com/2012/07/14/a-dark-tunnel/

www.facebook.com/Daydreams.Dan.Parkins

Mom, me, a new Mac Book, and old email, and Praise!

     I have been full of joy lately seeing God alive and at work in my Mother's life.  Her life is the stuff in books. The movies we watch about families. It the hard and sad, yet also the beautiful and redemptive. It is a picture of God's protection over her and His plans for her life. She is finally writing it down for me. She is telling me her story. 
     We've talked three times in the last hour and I have her permission to share her words from an email. 
     But to clarify, an email I sent to her in Nov. 2006 simply appeared in her new Mac Book. It was in a file called "Pages" where she is transferring her story. 
     Her Mac Book is new, a gift from my sister, and although Mom is probably the most techno-savvy great-grandmother around, the transition getting her story from PC to Mac has had it's challenges. I hope you are encouraged by what happened next...

Pamela Payne

Saturday near Round Valley via mobile 

• Wow Mom! I so love this. You are a natural writer. Truth is, I'm a little jealous. I worked long and hard to learn a little of what comes so easily to some. ❤. Thank you for doing this for me.
• 
  

• Dear Pam,
•      Just read your recent On The Glory Road post about the hymn books you found.  Beautiful, simply from God that He would show this to you now.  I enjoyed it so much.  I have been struggling with my story and spent all day yesterday and today working on it.  Thank goodness for the pages you kept sent me back, for I had no recollection of writing them.  I finally discovered  how to merge it into the original document.  
•      A very interesting thing happened  while I was in a twit trying to figure out the MacBook way,  when suddenly, an old email from you popped up in my "Pages" which is a MacBook Doc.  
•      I opened it, and it was dated 2006.  There were many Bible references in the email. I was stunned. Where in the world did that come from? Did you send it to me?  And if you did how did it end up in Pages?   When I came back to it later it was gone.  Was this a message from the Lord?  I have been struggling with some issues lately and when that appeared I felt peaceful, and then it disappeared.  I love you,  Mother 

     After I got this email, I called her and we talked and I wept. After two more phone conversations within that hour, she located the original 2006 email, and forwarded it back to me. 

     Mom,
     So much has happened since I Ieft. Such good news about Bill. What a blessing for you to be able to have that new hope as a birthday gift and to spend that special time with him.  God' loves you so much, Mom, and wants to give you all the desires of your heart. He wants you to walk in the joy and peace that comes with being in his presence. I will be praying for you as you begin this new journey of faith, and I am proud of your decision to take this step.  I  know that God is going to meet you there. He will bless you in your obedience, and give you all that you need. All you have to do is give him your heart and humbly ask. He created you perfectly and has great plans for you. He has given you awesome gifts, Mom, and so much life experience and wisdom that you can share with others. Just continue to listen to what God lays on your heart and He will show you what is next. I am so proud of you.  After we hung up the phone today I prayed for you and Jim and all that is going on with Lori and the kids. And appropriately, because this is what God does, the lesson in my Bible study today was a teaching about the power of praying for people using Scripture. I have done this before, and have seen God work in amazing ways. I want to leave these with you. 

  
   3 John 2 and Isaiah 41:10   I pray that Mom and Jim will enjoy good health and that all will go well with them.  Do not let Mom and Jim have fear for you are with them. Let them not be dismayed for you are their God. According to your word, Give then strength and help and hold them up in your righteous hand.

     Ephesians 1:17,18, and 19 and Phillipians 4:6-7  According to your word Lord, I ask that you give my mother the spirit of wisdom and revelation so that she may know you better and that her heart be enlightened to your calling and your glorious inheritance as your believer.  Let her not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, and with Thanksgiving, always remember to present her requests to you. And let your peace, which transcends all understanding guard her heart and mind in Christ Jesus.


     After reading my old email I sent her this one.

Mom...Wow!

     So funny....that I don't remember writing this.  I think that God want us both to know that sometimes,  when the Holy Spirit is at work, our flesh simply disappears in His presence.  But I went into my email file labeled "Mom" to find it.  There are 138 emails between us that I have saved. They start in April 2006.  This one was not there. How precious it is for me to have it back.  I am weeping. 

     God must have wanted to remind us both what He is doing. In us, with us, and through us. 
     He wants us to remember that He is the same God that parted the Red Sea and placed every star in the sky. To put a piece of paper on the floor by my bed and bless me, or place an old email into your Mac to bless you,  is nothing for our God.  
     Funny how these things still astound us though, huh? 

     I think He knew that you needed a little reminder that He is trustworthy. 
     I just love what God did today.  It is such a beautiful example of God's presence and promises.  I hope it encourages you and builds your faith. It certainly does mine. Thank you for sharing this! 

"Then Sings my soul." part Two

     I knew God would have some gems for me and he did not disappoint. As I went through the index of songs, (300 total), I searched for the ones I grew up singing. My excitement grew as I found them one by one.
     Paul listened to me sing a few more stanzas of my favorites, and let me share some stories. This one made me laugh.
    The song, "A mighty fortress is our God," was written by Martin Luther. This surprised me, (not really sure why), but my smile came in the knowledge that this song was a staple in the Catholic church I grew up in. (Still smiling.) He based it on the 46th Psalm and reflects Luther's awareness of our intense struggle with Satan.  As I sang the next line to my audience of one, it carried all the passion I'd had as a child. "A bulwark never failing." Then I laughed as I realized I had absolutely no idea was a bulwark was. I don't think I ever asked anyone, maybe I did. If I did, I don't remember, so I looked it up. ("Bulwark: a wall of earth built for defense) Makes perfect sense now, right?     
     The next song that struck a deep chord in me, "Now Thank We All Our God," is based on 1Thessalonians 5:18 and Colossians 3:17. The next line says, "With heart and hands and voices." Wow, Lord. This was written by a Lutheran Pastor in 1636, and is considered one of the few but rich hymns devoted exclusively to thanking God.
     The song, "Holy, Holy, Holy! Lord God Almighty," was written 1826 and based on Revelation 4:8. "Early in the morning our song shall rise to Thee."
     "Crown Him with many Crowns, the lamb upon his throne. Hark how the heavenly anthem drowns all music but its own. Awake my soul and sing, of Him who died for thee. And hail him as thy matchless King, Through all eternity." This was written in 1851 and based on Rev. 19:12.
     "Onward Christian soldiers marching as to war, With the cross of Jesus going on before. Christ the royal master, Leads against the foe, Forward into battle, See his banners go." Written in 1865 and based on 2 Chronicles 20:17.
     I will end with the song that makes me weep. I can't remember getting through it without tears. The story behind this song is great and long, so I will leave you with just one thing. In the New York Crusade of 1957, (this is the year I was born) it was sung by Bev Shea ninety-nine times, with the choir joining in the majestic refrain. "Then sings my soul, my Savior God to Thee, How great Thou art! How Great thou art!
     

My man and me... our day to celebrate 35 years of life and love.

Death brings new life...

Behold, I am doing a new thing;
now it springs forth, do you not perceive it? I will make a way in the wilderness and rivers in the desert. (Isaiah 43:19 ESV)

a piece of paper on my floor...

     About 2 years ago God assigned me a job. The job description wasn't cut and dried but it had a title that I could work with. I knew the only training I would get would come from God or from the strength and instruction he gave me, (but what better teacher, right?)
     Like all new jobs, there was fear of failure. (Talk about pressure. God would be my boss.) But, like any new job, there was also the excitement in the opportunity. Lot's of it. (Hadn't he chose me for this position after all?) So...I told people I'd been hired and I jumped in with enthusiasm. After a rocky start, the next six months flew by. The job practically did itself.
     Then a few trials came. Then, a few more. My life got really hard and the job got seriously tough. Sooo,... I quit.
     Several months passed and since I hadn't really talked about quitting my job a few people asked about it. "It was fine." I said. I was vague.
     I need to finish this, I thought. Lots of people knew I had started. I could do this. I could so do this. I'd been trained. I'd been trained well. I could do this job with my eyes closed. I was gonna finish.
     I got busy writing the job description for the second half. Piece a cake. No problem. I was all over it.
     Then God stopped me. "I'm sorry. I really love you, but I'm not happy with your job description. I'm sending you on a vacation. Go back to your life and keep your eyes and heart on me. I'll let you know when it's time to come back."
     Fine, Lord. That's just fine with me, I thought. I have more on my plate right now then I can handle now anyway. So,  I laid it down, and I walked away. That was about seven months ago.
     On Wed. night I passed on small group. I had been placed on a jury. A felony criminal jury. Two days of jury selection and one day of really hard testimony. I was spent. I needed a shower and some quiet time alone with God.    
     When I got out of the shower and stepped into my bedroom, I froze. On the floor, right in front of me beside my bed was a piece of paper. I knew this piece of paper because I had written the words on the page. I did not know where it had come from. I had not seen it in over a year.
     The hair on my arms stood up and I tightened the towel I was wearing. At the exact moment fear began to rise up inside me, I knew the truth. This was supernatural. A supernatural act of God.
     I walked around the paper three times, staring at it but afraid to touch it. I picked up my Iphone and took of it for proof later that it hadn't been a dream.
     On the floor was the dedication page to my bible study. My sister's name was on it, as were the editing marks of my friend Peggy. I text-ed them both the picture.
     "I found this on the floor when I came out of the shower. I'm alone. Haven't seen this in almost a year. Thought you both should know."
     One replied with, "Maybe the Holy Spirit wants you to pray for us."
     I can do that, I thought. I can totally do that. And I did."
     The other said, "Omg!  God is telling you something big here. Wow."
     Yes, I thought, He certainly is.

          I have felt God's gentle nudgings about getting back to this task more than once. "Is that you, Lord? Hmmm... I'm not so sure." I was thinking about my busy life. I had just started the garden and school was almost out. I would be working full-time soon. I told myself it wasn't Gods prompting.  He said I would "Know" when it was time.
   
     Well...He was right.
   
     Sometimes God speaks to us through the old testament stories with words he spoke to Moses. Sometimes, God speaks to us through dreams and visions just the way he did with the bible prophets. He certainly speaks to us through the actions of our Savior, Jesus.
     Sometimes his voice is just a quiet one inside our spirit.
     God may not be going before us with a cloud of fire, parting the red sea, or laying manna at our feet. But there are times, like on Wed. night, that God speaks supernaturally to us through a piece of paper that he puts on the floor.
   
     If you're ready, I'm ready, Lord. Help me finish this job...

4:10 am, Wed.

     I woke up with words stirring deep in my spirit. I opened my eyes. I was foggy and the words weren't clear yet, but I knew that God was speaking to me.
     I sat up and swung my legs over the side of the bed to concentrate.
     "I am your Redeemer. I transform hearts and breath new life." I felt for the stool, stepped to the floor and walked to the bathroom repeating them. "I am your Redeemer. I transform hearts and breath new life."
     Still sleepy, I sat on the side of the bed for another moment before sliding back in. I hoped I would fall back to sleep. But God's sweet words were still going through me and sleep did not come.
     As I sat back up, lifted my Iphone off the bedside table and walked toward the stairs, I heard Paul.
     "You okay, honey."
     "I'm fine." I said, "I'll be right back."
     Sitting in the dark on a kitchen stool I opened Twitter and tapped status. "I am your redeemer. I transform hearts and breath new life." It was 4:37 am.
     I had a long day in front of me. Now that I'd planted God's words forever in cyberspace, maybe sleep would come.
     I found Paul standing at the bedroom window. "Did you see this moon?" He asked. The light coming in lit up his face.
     "No." Still holding my Iphone, I stood beside Paul and looked. Clouds were moving across it and shifting its size and light around. It reminded me of  the lava lamp I had as a girl and I knew I wouldn't be going back to sleep. When I went outside to be closer to it, it became a rainbow prism through the tree.
     so God was giving me a moon as well as words and I sat with them both until the light came.

     A few hours later my daughter joined me in the kitchen. A regular conversation soon turned very serious. Her eyes filled with tears. "You left me alone a lot, Mom. I was alone a lot." I heard real pain in her voice and knew that she had said similar words before, but never like this.
     The last thing a mother wants to hear is how her child got wounded by decisions she made. There was offense in my response. "You just need to forgive me. You weren't alone. You were at the ski lodge with us, you were at home with your brother and sister, we did the best we could."
     She stood up and started to leave the room.  I called out, "Really? You're walking away? I ask you to forgive me and you're walking away?"
     In the same moment I spoke those words God turned me inside out and showed me my heart. My words had not come from a place of true repentance. I had not asked for her forgiveness, I had justified my own actions. My heart was not pure.
    I hurried down the hall after her. I wanted a second chance. I wanted to do it better.
    She told me to leave her alone.
    I went back to the kitchen and began to weep. My cry turned deep and long and loud. I couldn't stop it.
     God had placed in me Chandler's lonely heart. I knew what she had felt and I was grieving.
     When I felt her hand on my shoulder I turned and hugged her tighter than I had in my entire life. "I'm sorry," I said, wailing with the words, "I'm so sorry that you were alone."
     She let me hug her for a long time, and when I let her go we separated silently.
     I went upstairs trying to regain control. I couldn't remember the last time I had cried like that, but suddenly, the words God spoke to me at 4:10 that morning took on new meaning. He knew this was coming, and His promises were for Chandler too. "I am your redeemer. I transform hearts and breath new life."
     I began to to weep all over again.
     It was an hour before the tears stopped completely, but by the time I got in the car to head for a long afternoon with the kids, I felt peace.
     God used my tears to wash my spirit clean and with His words imprinted deep inside me, I walked into work with a lighter step.

     I believed that the hardest part of my day was done, but there was more.  I am blessed to have co-workers who are also believers and I genuinely love them. Our job is to walk side by side to guide and teach little ones, but God also knitted our hearts together for his purpose. We walk out real life together. We talk about the tough stuff and give praise for the blessings. We know each other well. We laugh, we cry, and we pray!
     One of these beautiful woman has heartbreaking struggles with her son. I had heartbreaking struggles with mine. It was late in the afternoon that we both became part of a tough moment in her son's life.
    God's grace came, and after all was said and done, God reminded me of his words and I send them via text to my friend because I knew they were hers too. "I am your redeemer. I transform hearts and breath new life."
    God held five hearts in his hands today with the promise of those words and I for one will never stop praising God for giving them to me.

Planting a heart-shaped memorial stone...Part One

                                

     I love the Old Testament picture of God’s people planting stones or building altars of remembrance. I picture Grandfathers gathering up children year after year as they settle in and snuggle. I see their eyes grow wide in amazement as the great and magnificent tales unfold.

      We all have stories. Stories of miracles and suffering. Stories of great and remembrance. I value them, because when life gets hard, and it does, I need to remember. 
     I have walked in, or closely beside, miscarriages, infant death, rare disease, heart attacks, brain surgeries, a young girl who got lost in a snowstorm and ended up in heaven. A family ripped apart and forever changed by suicide. 
     Life can break our hearts and bring deep pain, yet God’s word shouts of the promises and redemption that comes through Jesus on the cross. He is present in it all. Human suffering, however, is still a very real deal. Life can get ugly and hard.

     The Bible tells us it will be, but it is difficult to “count it all as joy”, and understand  “glory in suffering” when we feel as if we are drowning.  
     I struggle even now sharing a recent victory because I have close friends, people I love deeply still trapped chest high in raging waters.  But I know God’s living power brings encouragement.  It brings hope. It teaches faith.  

     It is in our trials that we need to sit with Jesus and let him read us our Memorial stone stories. In that place of his great love and sacrifice, we can reflect, remember, and praise.  Our stories give the strength to endure in faith for the hope of what is to come.   

      God doesn't talk with me the way He did with Moses, and I do not wake up with the miracle of the shimmery manna from heaven at my feet, but I have stories of memorial stones.  
     God speaks through his word, through the gospel of Jesus and through the Holy Spirit helper. God answers prayer. Lays words on our hearts. He heals. He imparts joy and He infuses hope. 
     I want to Rejoice in the things that have "not yet" come. I want to give Praise for the things "not yet" seen and "not yet" known because I have allowed the enemy to rob me. I let him talk me into taking my eyes off of God in hard places. I jumped into his band wagon instead of climbing into the lap of Jesus to hear my stories. 
     And now, because I don't ever want to give the enemy room in my heart to do that again, I plant a Memorial stone and have a story to tell.  

Two Thousand and Eleven...

     Beth Moore recently asked her blog readers to list three words to describe the last year of their lives. It took me only a few minutes to come up with three that came strong and hard, but afterward, I was struck by many more that were buried deep in my heart. I believe that when when I sit with Jesus reflect over the lifeline of my time on earth, this portion will stand out as a very big deal.
     This season of my life really began in Oct. of 2010, so I must count that as the beginning. After a series of events, God spoke to me about something he wanted me to do. It was two things really, and both took me by surprise. I was alone in the car as I pulled off the highway and parked underneath a rainbow. Through my tears I knew what God asked would require some real faith on my part, but I had never heard so clearly or felt God's presence more powerfully so I believed he would equip me for all that was ahead.
     A few months later, on Christmas Eve of 2010, our precious friends lost their baby son Samuel after just 19 days of life. His father Dan, (a young Pastor) blogged about the experience every day and his faith and praise in the midst of it changed my heart forever. I simply can not think about the last year of my life without remembering Dan, Kelly, and Samuel.
     As the new year of 2011 began I was knee deep in the project God had given me, and joined forces with the ladies of the LPM blog family to memorize Scripture for the first time in my life.
     And then, my church shattered into pieces. Our small mountain community church had been our family for 14 years and as things fell apart around me, my heart began to break. Paul and I were being torn in two, and for months we prayed like never before and did not leave the house, or answer the phone except to go to work and talk to oue children.
     The year proved to be more difficult as Spring came. While our family was at a Kairos conference at the Gateway church in Dallas, our son-in-law's griffon, Gus, drowned in our swimming pool. A young couple and their small girls were dog-sitting for all of us and one of the children threw a tennis ball into the, "not yet opened" pool. Gus went after it, and no one knew he was there. Paul takes the out when the pool is winterized, and when a storm came the tarp separated from the sides and Gus's life was over.
     The tragedy hit everyone like sledge hammer, and just a few months later, our precious Onyx's got her cancer back and Paul and I and our children had to say goodbye to our lab/golden girl who had been part of our family for 13 years.
     A few months after that, my husbands two best hunting buddies, five-year old Tug and Chase, (English lab brothers) disappeared and simply never came back. My husband still stand at the window with a broken heart and weeps for them.
     As the winter wore on, I stood by as menopause grabbed hold and took over my body. I wasn't sleeping and a weariness came over me like I had never known. In the midst of this, Paul and I found out that our youngest daughter had something wrong inside her body.
     Emotionally, spiritually, and physically, I had been scrubbed raw and was barely treading water.
     Chandler had surgery.
     We found out afterword, as 16,000 in medical bills piled up, that this particular surgery never should have never been done. She was then, after several MRI's diagnosed with a rare condition they call, "venous angioma."  It is so rare that the only Doctor who treats it and only it, resided in Denver.
     Paul then began the months-long battle with the hospital and our daughters California insurance to make right everything that was wrong. He fights for her with integrity and is winning battles but the war is not over yet. Chandler had her first procedure in Denver just a few weeks ago, but Paul is still battling. We are planning for the next surgery in early Feb.  
     While we sat in the Denver hospital waiting for Chandlers pre-op appointment, (we had yet to meet the doctor in person because we traveled from California) I was rushed to the ER with a heart rate of 240.
     The Swedish Medical center is a teaching hospital, and apparently I was the patient of the hour. My room filled with med students around the ages of my son son. They watched and asked questions as a doctor whispered that the lotion on my skin was causing a problem with the EKG. He was going to have to open my gown rub my entire bare chest with alchohol, and then re-attached the EKG pads. This had been done privately the first time, before the students arrived. But now, with all of them watching, he did it again. I was totally exposed and completely vulnerable as I closed my eyes and asked Jesus to hold my hand.
     They couldn't slow my heart rate down, and it had been beating at 240 for almost forty-five minutes. They told me they were going to have to stop and then re-start my heart with an intravenous medication called Adenosine
     I was scared and alone, but yet I was neither. I can't explain it any other way.
     My Mom had flown out to be with Chandler and I in Denver, so she was upstairs meeting Dr. Yakes with Chan while I was in the ER.
     I had a "supra ventricular tachycardia," episode. I have a bad section of tissue in the electronic valve of my heart.  When the impulses that my brain sends to my heart hit the bad tissue, it goes haywire and causes a rapid heart rate. I see another doctor at the end of the month, and will then be scheduled for a "cartiac ablation."
        But here is the good news...
        When I take all the trials of the last 12 months and lay them next to what Jesus took to the cross for me, what He suffered for Chandler, and what He did out of love in order to redeem Paul's life, they simply fade away. And although the spiritual principalities that war against us want desperately to use the trials we suffer to take us away from God's purpose and plans, I praise my Father in heaven that he is so much greater and more powerful than any of the enemy's schemes.
     His throne sits high above it all and the mercy and grace that flows from the cross is abundant.
     Through Paul's trials, I have seen him become a man of God who breaks into prayer like never before. I have watched the Lord grow him as a father and a husband into a place where quiet tears of great joy fall from my eyes.
     Chandler trials have turned her heart to Jesus. I see him growing her faith, building her trust as she relies on Him.
     In my journey before and during this last year of my life, I know what God did through an act of surrender and obedience. I know He is trustworthy and deserves my praise.
    And so I thank you, Lord, for being patient in love. I have peace and joy in the midst of chaos because your words are true. It was your provision that I found myself in a hospital when my heart went crazy. I was not on the 3-hour plane flight of the day before or the 4-hour freeway drive in the downpour the day before that.  You saved me.
I know too, that it was you moving in the heart of my mother to come and meet us in Denver, and it was you, at work in the heart of my sister who dropped everything to get on a plane in a Texas thunderstorm that night to be beside me and I know it is only because Jesus loved us first that any of us can love at all.
     I realize as I write this that I am still grieving what happened in our church, but I know that God can restore and redeem all that is bruised and broken.
     I still struggle with the death of Samuel and Dan's new health issues, (he has already survived three liver transplants and he won't get another one. He could be sick again.) But I also know that Jesus is alive in Dan. So when his trials go far beyond any human understanding I will ever have, he is still trustworthy.
     Paul and I are settled in a new church and are active and serving again. This body of believers has some hearts of the hearts God has already knitted ours too, and He is at work grafting us together with new ones.
     God has provided a new group of women to study and pray with because he knows my heart. They help me get me back on my feet.
    And I know too, as I watch Garrett and Paul go out the door with their shotguns, absent of their best best buddies, that God will restore their broken hearts.
    I have come to see how precious our broken-ness and vulnerability are to God. I see them now as virtues in the process of submission. Sometimes God has to break down our flesh in areas of self-reliance so that we learn to rely on him in all things.
     Lastly, I have come to a new level of understanding of the gospel message of grace.  I see clearly how God not only knew what I would need to get through this season, but He poured it out for me. It is not a coincidence that in the midst of this season I have also spent hours a day meditating over Scriptures and writing about God's "glory." because he knew I would need it deep in me.
     May my heart forever praise him for what he has already accomplished in my life, be full of faith in what he is doing now, and sing of hope for all he will do in my future.
     I want to walk with my head held high and a song of praise on my lips because the joy of the Lord is my strength.
      Give me the grace Lord, to receive all my trials with praise because this road to your glory was chosen for me. You have put me here and Jesus has paid the price. May my life bring you glory!